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Your Friends And How They (Try) To Get Laid

What’s the one thing that’s always on a dude’s mind? Pussy. Pussy, Pussy, Pussy. It’s essential to any well-minded guy’s life. If you’re not getting laid, you’re most likely miserable. There is absolutely nothing wrong about getting laid. Even if you happen to fuck the fat chick, you’re still in awe that you fucked. Everyone wants to fuck. Face it. Right now, you’re probably thinking, “Whoever is writing this obviously doesn’t get laid.” Well, I am a machine, and you’re 100% wrong.

Chad – The Guy That Bangs Everything

Last weekend the squad hit a local city bar and lets just say, everything was flowing. Right when I walked in I made my presence known throughout the bar. I ordered about five Jaeger-bombs while my boy Jason was hitting the JUUL, and immediately four girls came over to us. I spotted this one blonde girl Vannessa, and to make a short story shorter, we fucked. We left the bar around 1:15AM and fucked all night till I couldn’t even feel my dick.

Jason – The Cleanup Man That Would Bang Anything

As I was bagging Vannessa, Jason was digging through the leftovers. Jason is a good wingman but isn’t a numbers guy if you know what I mean. He will vibe on anything, anytime, anywhere. That is why Jason ended up banging a solid 3.8 outback of the bar last weekend. Don’t be Jason. Please.

Kyle – The Kid That Can’t Close

However, not everyone was born with the gift to close. That same night at the bar my friend Kyle didn’t score. This is the third weekend in a row that Kyle didn’t close on the same girl Ashley and he is pissed. Basically, Kyle gets so fucked up at the pregame that every time we go out and see her, he can barely walk. He goes up to her and mumbles words and accidentally spills drinks on her, while me and my douchebag friends scream, “Step it the fuck up Kyle, you fucking tool!” Kyle has a hard time pulling girls at the bar because he simply cannot handle his shit. If it wasn’t for this, Kyle would probably get the most pussy in the friend group like he did back in middle school before drinking was “cool.”

Todd – The Dude That Can’t Get It Up

I’ve told you about the friend that always closes, the friend that closes on anything, the friend that never closes, and now, let me tell you about the worst one of them all. Todd, the one who closes but can’t get it up. Poor guy. He plays the game all night with the same girl, and she’s finally feeling it. Todd gets back to the crib where him and the broad rip each others clothes off, and then boom. He can’t get it up. He’s awkwardly fingering her and she’s jerking him off, desperate for cock, but Todd can’t deliver. This happens to Todd all the time. He gives his life to the game and getting pussy, but he always has a story about how he can’t get it up. I feel like if you can’t get it up, you’re most likely gay. Yeah, I understand if you’re really drunk and can’t get it up, but it better have been colder than the Arctic that night if you can’t get hard for pussy. Get it up, Todd.

Next time you look at your friend group, picture who would be Chad, Jason, Kyle, or Todd. I swear every group has these four fuckers. If you read this, I hope you learned how important it is to get laid. Low key, everyone on your college campus is judging you off who you fuck. As I stated earlier, fucking is essential to any guy’s life, so get your fuck on, mate.