Kyle – The Kid That Can’t Close
However, not everyone was born with the gift to close. That same night at the bar my friend Kyle didn’t score. This is the third weekend in a row that Kyle didn’t close on the same girl Ashley and he is pissed. Basically, Kyle gets so fucked up at the pregame that every time we go out and see her, he can barely walk. He goes up to her and mumbles words and accidentally spills drinks on her, while me and my douchebag friends scream, “Step it the fuck up Kyle, you fucking tool!” Kyle has a hard time pulling girls at the bar because he simply cannot handle his shit. If it wasn’t for this, Kyle would probably get the most pussy in the friend group like he did back in middle school before drinking was “cool.”
Todd – The Dude That Can’t Get It Up
I’ve told you about the friend that always closes, the friend that closes on anything, the friend that never closes, and now, let me tell you about the worst one of them all. Todd, the one who closes but can’t get it up. Poor guy. He plays the game all night with the same girl, and she’s finally feeling it. Todd gets back to the crib where him and the broad rip each others clothes off, and then boom. He can’t get it up. He’s awkwardly fingering her and she’s jerking him off, desperate for cock, but Todd can’t deliver. This happens to Todd all the time. He gives his life to the game and getting pussy, but he always has a story about how he can’t get it up. I feel like if you can’t get it up, you’re most likely gay. Yeah, I understand if you’re really drunk and can’t get it up, but it better have been colder than the Arctic that night if you can’t get hard for pussy. Get it up, Todd.
Next time you look at your friend group, picture who would be Chad, Jason, Kyle, or Todd. I swear every group has these four fuckers. If you read this, I hope you learned how important it is to get laid. Low key, everyone on your college campus is judging you off who you fuck. As I stated earlier, fucking is essential to any guy’s life, so get your fuck on, mate.